Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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