So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
