I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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