Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
