My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
