I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My vagina is officially offended.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
