omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
