Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
