eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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