Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Randomize
