I wannas sexs uuuuu
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
