just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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