So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
