I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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