She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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