hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
