Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
