Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
