Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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