She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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