Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize
