and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
