So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
