Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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