Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Can I color on your dick again?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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