I showed him my bush... on skype.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
