That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I got inside last night via doggy door
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
