I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
