Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
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