i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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