Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
