My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
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