he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Let's get the cat blown out
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
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