So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
