In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
