You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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