And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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