I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
