He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Randomize
