if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Found your dick twin last night
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize