you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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