dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize