I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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