Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
