we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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