I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
