i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
His hands were made for my vagina.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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