k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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