i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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