Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Randomize
