i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
