I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
