How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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