haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
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