I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
