My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
