I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Randomize
