Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
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