I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
