just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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