I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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