were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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