I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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