i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
