Sober January is a disaster.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
