I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
