So drunk, too bad you don't want this
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
