I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
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