I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
