you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
