I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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