he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
