i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
