the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
